Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Anger is all I know how to express at this moment.

I've been mad at God before.  I've been very mad at God before, but this is one of the two times that I can remember wanting to physically hurt God.  If He were standing right in front of me I'd give him one good punch.

I'm getting really pissed about the fact that God keeps taking the young, the strong, the faithful, and the good.

Today, one of the strongest people I've ever known was called home.

I don't understand God's timing.  I don't understand this senseless pain, and I certainly don't understand why it's always, always, always the people that give the most light to this horrible world that get taken so soon.

I know that one day, just as I did when Josh passed, I'll find the beauty in this situation.  Right now, however, the anger is consuming me and I'm going to let it.  Not even God should be able to get away with something so cruel and not face consequences.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

"God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them." Romans 8:26

I apologize for not posting in over a month.  I realized that I had typed out a draft, but never posted it.  As I read over the draft it felt wrong to post now.  I feel as though blogs should have something to say about the present.  Those feelings and words don't accurately reflect how I feel about my journey right now.

How do I feel about my journey right now?

That's a really good question.  And I think I have a really crummy answer: I don't know.

I feel like God is leading me through a maze that's confusing and slightly painful.  The problem with being in this maze is that I am trying to rely on my own senses and ignoring where God is trying to take me.  I'm really bad about that, as I'm sure most of us are.  We know best, right?

Well, that's my mindset.  With this mindset I've come across plenty of frustration and found myself deeper and deeper inside the maze.  I can't get out.  I'm completely stuck.

Ignoring God and relying on myself, my emotions, and my logic has left me in disaster before.  We are stubborn creatures.  I know I am.  If I have my mind set on something I'll do anything in order to get it.

Why, if we've learned time after time that our own strengths will ultimately fail us, do we not rely on God?

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

I remember this sometimes and laugh to myself.  I laugh because I have my own plans.  I have grand plans of what I want for myself.  Looking back, I've had plans like this my entire life.  Plans for my future that have, thankfully, fallen through.  I've been happier without these things than I ever could have been with them.  I try to imagine my life if my plans had worked and I'm miserable.  I'm missing something. 

Why is it that I still try and make my own plans? 

I have no answer to that question, nor do I expect any of you to have an answer.  

I do have a question to pose.  Something to think about and reflect on.

First, I'll tell you how it came about.  

The other day I got upset at work and began to cry.  My friend, Ibrahim, was worried that it was something he had said or done. When I composed myself enough to explain to him what had happened he told me something along these lines, "it's okay.  You have a heart from God, and that means that it's weak and easily hurt.  God wants us to be hurt by the things that hurt him, so He gives us hearts that are easily broken." 

This made me think.  Why would God want us to be weak? Why is this a good thing? And, as Christians, can we believe in a God that would intentionally make us feel pain in a stronger way? 

I believe that God gave me a vulnerable heart, but I also really reject that idea.  Why would God make me in a way that sets me up for so much pain? Why would God make any of us in a way that would set us up for this kind of pain? 

This is open for discussion, because I really am interested in all of the ideas that can be brought to the table.

I appreciate your continued support and time.  

xoxo