Failing

There are certain times in my life that I've had to stop and wonder what it is that I'm doing, where I'm going, and what has gotten me here.  I've not kept quiet about the fact the the past few weeks have been difficult.  The most difficult that I've been through in a long time, but during this time I've thought about what I'm being told.  I don't believe that we go through any unnecessary pain in this life.  There's a lesson in every hardship.

What's the lesson here?

I've been asking myself that question repeatedly.  I think about it all the time.  I process it constantly.  I want to know what God is trying to do with what I'm going through, and why He trusts me so much.

I'm finding that this lesson, these trials, are showing me so much more than the easy times ever do. I don't learn from the good, or so I've found.  When things are easy for me, I'm grateful, but I don't let the important parts of myself grow.  I don't reflect on the parts of myself that need work.  I skate along.  I let myself get by without really working at growing. I think that's why I have internal crises. It's annoying, but it's how I know that I'm about to be stronger, smarter, and more capable.

Lately, I feel like I'm going through what I've been through before.  It's a sort of deja vu.

I'm not going to get into what's going on in this particular situation, but I've been here before.  I've gone through it.  I thought I had come out of it stronger and smarter, but I was wrong.  I was dealing with the symptoms of the problem, but not the problem itself.

The problem is that I don't feel like I'm good enough.  I talked about this in my last blog.  I'm still dealing with it.  I will always be dealing with it, because I can't be perfect, I will always be less than good enough.

I shared an article earlier today about perfection.  My mom has always thought that it was ridiculous that I considered myself a perfectionist, but, in a lot of ways, I am.

The article I shared talked about the guilt that perfectionists walk around with. I've dealt with this for a while now, and it never really gets any better.  I feel all consuming, painful guilt with every mistake I make.  I let it control my mind.  I let it eat at me.

I've recently made a lot of mistakes at work.  I mean a lot.  Clients have been falling through the cracks.  I'm failing these people.

There are so many of them, though.  I work and work and work.  I try as hard as I can, and my hardest, my best, isn't good enough.  Sometimes, I'm learning, you can give it absolutely 100% of yourself and it's just not enough.

This is the hardest lesson that I'm having to learn.  The hardest lesson that I've ever learned so far.  You can't do everything, and you can't do anything perfectly.  There will always be a mistake.  There
is no way we can do it all.

It has been painful learning to accept the mistakes that I make that can hurt other people because the mistakes I make in my work have a direct impact on the clients that I serve.  I'm hurting the people that I serve.

That hurts.  It feels a little like a knife in my chest.  I carry it with me all the time.

It's overwhelming and scary.

I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I will make these mistakes.  It sucks.  It hurts.  I don't know how to deal with it.

I wish I could say that there's always room for improvement.  There's always next time.  I can always do better.

Is that healthy?

Is it healthy to look at what we believed was our best, our top effort, all we could do, and say, "I need to be better."

How is it possible that this is our norm?

We always tell kids to do better next time, to please people, to be the best that they can be.

Who determines what's the best that someone else can do?  Why do we care so much about the standards of others? Why does someone else get to decide what my personal best is?  I haven't realized that these were things that I needed to ask myself.

I didn't really notice how much of myself I was investing into my work until I broke down in front of my housemates and my site coordinator today.

They raised genuine concerns.  They pointed things out that I hadn't even noticed.

I've taken a very unhealthy turn in my life.  I drink too much, I sleep too much, I don't eat any sort of balanced meal, and, most importantly, I'm miserable.  I'm not at my best.

I'm failing at work because I'm failing myself.

Isn't it funny that we're told that sacrificing ourselves is what's best for everyone?

I'm not saying that my parents directly told me that I had to sacrifice myself.  No one has ever told me that, actually.  I see that in my everyday life.  I was raised by parents that would literally give the shirts off of their backs to anyone.  They would give their last dollar to someone that was hungry.  They have the most amazing capacity to love others that I have ever seen first hand.  They're able to balance that, though.  They have learned that they're not at their best unless they first practice self care.

I haven't gotten that down yet.

I call it self care when I come home at 5:15 and am in bed and ready to go to sleep at 6:30.

I call it self care when I go to Starbucks to keep myself awake before work, even though I went to bed early the night before.

I call it self care to binge watch Charmed on Netflix so I can try to copy the behavior of those really badass women.

I call a lot of things "self care" when, in reality, they're self destruction.

I'm realizing, though, that if I'm not at my best, I will continue to mess up.  I'll feel like I'm investing everything I have into work.  I maintain that I am, but I do not think that's anything to be proud of, happy about, or at all positive.  My personal life is falling apart because I have nothing left to give.  My work is falling apart because I'm miserable in my personal life.

It's a sick and painful cycle.

There's nothing that I can do about all of the pain from work until I reach into myself and find what it is that makes me happy, that keeps my going.  What keeps me whole?  What keeps me healthy?

I wanted to share this because I know I'm not the only person that struggles in this particular way.  I know I'm not the only person that's depressed, struggling to realize that failure is okay, unable to see the ways that we're failing ourselves, and blinded to the fact that, in failing ourselves, we are effectively failing the people we work to help as well.

"Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time."

It's been quite a while since my last post, so I hope this can make up for it.

I know that wasn't necessarily the best post to leave off on, but the past couple of months I've been really focused on the brokenness inside of me that has made me so angry at God.  It takes a lot for me to admit this, because I feel like I should be stronger, better, more resilient, less sensitive, and all around a better, more God-centric person.  It's not uncommon to be broken.  In some way, we all are.

The problem is, however, that we don't recognize the ways in which we aren't whole.   We don't realize these places, and because of that we blame God when things go wrong in our lives.  We don't look at the ways we are failing ourselves; instead, we look at God and claim that He is failing us.

A large portion of my prayers involve some sort of bartering or anger.  I'm impatient, stubborn, completely ungrateful, and a whole list of other things that I wasn't raised to be.  I have a difficult time recognizing that my shortcomings lead to my disappointment.  Why should God do what I want Him to do?

Let me tell you why.  It's my life.  I have it all planned out and it's perfect.  So, if it's so great, why doesn't God just give it to me?

Well, I know for a fact that every plan of mine that has fallen through has been a blessing.  I was going to marry my first love.  I was going to marry my second, too.  I was going to go to a better school. I was going to be in a different sorority. I was going to transfer to graduate from a bigger, "better" school.  I was going to be in grad school for Occupational Therapy right now.  I was going to be in Nashville doing my YAV year.  I was going to be living near my family.  Victoria and I were going to be living together.  I was going to move to London, then Amsterdam.  I was going to join the Peace Corps.  I was going to go to Candler School of Theology.  I was going to do all sorts of things. I had amazing, fulfilling plans.  They just weren't really my plans.

I'll start at the beginning. . .

I was in love with this really smart, complex, funny guy.  He was really cool and has so much potential to be the most amazing husband and father, but not to me or my children.  I love him.  I always will. But he and I were absolutely horrible for one another.  Like, seriously terrible.  We tried to make it work at two very different and complex stages of our lives and it was a disaster.

I would have married him anyways.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  I was trying to live a life that wasn't my own.  I don't know whose life it was, but it wasn't mine.  It wasn't his.  Neither of us were meant for that life, but I think at one point we would have done it anyways.

Where would we be now, though?  I wouldn't be in San Antonio.  I wouldn't be living out what God is calling me to do.  I'd be ignoring my call.  I'd be living in some married dystopia. My skills would be wasted in someone else's world.

What if I had gone to a better school? What if I had joined a well known, southern sorority?

The most painful thing that comes out of these situations is that I would have never met Victoria.  The one person that puts up with all of my crazy and doesn't have to. I like to fain independence, but I can promise you that, without her, I'd be lost. I never would have done as well in school.  I never would have found the love of my sorority again.  I never would have gone to Russia.  I never would have stayed at West Georgia, and I never would have gone for it with my second love.

Doing these things would have taken away the single most amazing person that I choose to have in my life.  Okay, so she puts up with me.  Not vice versa.

Continuing the journey of bad plans. . .

There was another guy.  He was great until he wasn't.  He was smart.  He challenged me.  He made me want to grow up.  He was also manipulative, self-satisfied, and made me feel like absolute crap about myself.  He was making me live the life that he thought I should be living, and it definitely didn't reflect what I wanted to be.

The point of sharing that recent stumble is to say that there has always been the expectation that my life be like my aunt's.  I would marry some older, fascinating man and we would go all over the world together and be able to avoid the painful reality of life until it knocked us on our asses.

It's easier to live a life when you know how it turns out, even if it's not how you want your own life to be.

I know how her life ends up.  I can follow that prompt in my own life too, and that's what I was trying to do.  I wanted to find the easier path.  I wanted to avoid life for as long as I could possibly stand to.

Let me rephrase that. . .I wanted to avoid my life for as long as I could stand to.

Why is that though?

I could say that I don't want to face the unknown.  I could say that I just don't know what I want.  I could say that another person planning my life takes the responsibility off of me and I need that as the forever youngest child that can't stand to grow up.

I'd be lying if I said any of that.

The scary, painful truth is that I don't see myself as deserving of living the life that I want.  I don't believe I deserve to be happy.  I wanted to live my life surrounded by people that I did feel like I deserved.  I wanted to be with people that made me miserable because that's as good as it should get for me.  I wanted to live my aunt's, my sister's, my cousins', my mom's, anyone else's life knowing that it would leave me miserable.  I'm proud of each of these women.  They're happy, but I've always known that doing what they've done and living how they've lived isn't for me.

I also don't see any of my goals or accomplishments as anything special. I am always comparing myself to the women in my life.  It's always been a competition for me. Everyone else is doing A LOT better than I am.

For instance, my sister has always been prettier, more agreeable, a better listener, she followed directions in school, she joined a better known sorority, she is quieter, and people like her more.  My cousins have always been prettier, more athletic, more popular, they went to better schools, they have better manners, and can literally do anything (seriously, I've seen them in pig scrambles).  My friends have always been more talented and agreeable.

In this competition I've created, I'm losing. I'm never good enough.  Ever.  I never will be.

By comparing myself to these amazing women (they really are amazing, even when I'm not comparing myself to them), I create a life for myself that isn't really mine, and, when it is mine, I claim it's not good enough.

Why would God make things seem so right for me if they weren't good enough?

He wouldn't.

You see, I'm starting to realize that not being good enough isn't a thing. We have lives that are meant to be lived authentically, and that's simply not possible if we are always looking at other's with envy.

I asked Erin what it is that she envies about me.  She gave me answers that I probably should have expected.  I've always envied how nice she was.  It made people like her.  She's likable.  There are things about me that I see as unlikable because they don't fit into this idea of "nice" that I have.  She told me that she envies how willing I am to express my opinion even if it's not accepted.  I'm not afraid to share that and step on toes.  It's not very "nice" of me.  She wants to be less agreeable.  She told me she wanted to put herself out there more, and I hate that about myself.

My cousins have worked their butts off to get into the schools they did.  They have amazing grades.  They have done amazing things to live the lives they're being called to lead.  I'm not meant to change the world in that way though.  They're meant to work with children to create a better future (Courtney), heal the sick so that they're able to go on changing the world in their own way (Caroline), and help people gain or regain the ability to communicate for themselves (Abigail).  These are skills that God has blessed them with, and not me.

Isn't it funny how we idealize things about other people that we don't have?  Again, I'm forced to ask: if life's a competition, who's winning?

I'm good at other things.  I can walk up to strangers and help them to feel comfortable (Erin's words, not mine).  That fits well in my YAV year because all of my clients are strangers.  If I can't walk up to them confidently they'd eat me alive.  I'm always facing men that think that, because I'm a woman, I couldn't possibly be as smart as they are.

I can deal with this because, according to my sister, I don't judge people based on things like this.  I accept their beliefs.  Do I think that it's completely ridiculous and stupid that a uterus makes you less than a man? Absolutely.  Am I willing to look at them with the same love as a client that comes from a culture that reveres women? It bothers me, but I accept their beliefs and hope that I'm able to, at least somewhat, prove that the beliefs themselves are ill founded and ridiculous.

It's our weaknesses, as much as it is our strengths, that make us able to do what it is that God is calling us to do.  God makes us these completely screwed up and perfect beings that can do exactly what He needs us to do to make this world suck just a little less.  So, this competition makes no sense.  Yeah, I'm really bad at paying attention to directions and following authority.  I'm not athletic. I'm not "nice" and I don't have patience to learn to play music.  But do I need to be? Probably not.  God made me this way.  He made me apathetic and willing to lose everything in hopes of gaining something small.  He made me stubborn.  He made me to trust my own intuition and feelings over the opinions of others.

He made each of us with things that we look at and hope to change.  I'm aggressive, impatient, opinionated, and everything that I wish I wasn't, but I am absolutely, 100% how God intended me to be.

My plans are going to fail.  I make really bad decisions for myself.  I'm happy with them and where they've gotten me, but if I had to live with them in the ways that I've planned, I'd be miserable.  God has made us imperfect, but imperfection is not an excuse to live a life that you aren't meant to live.  Your life is your own.  No one else's.  At the end of the day, your personality is God given (I mean environment too, but I think that's God given so. . .), and that's beautiful.  But, no matter how stubborn and smart you are, your plans are meant to fall through and fail.  It's a good thing.  I promise.