It’s in the loving we find love. It’s in the giving we receive. It’s in the dying we are found.

Make of me, Your hands and feet.  I want to be, to the people around me what You want to be, to the people around me.

If you had asked me a year ago where I would be today I would probably tell you that I was hoping to land a job teaching Social Studies at my cousin's school until I was able to take the classes I needed to get into an Occupational Therapy program.

That would mean several things.  I'd probably be living at home with my parents or in someone's garage apartment not too far from my parent's house.  I'd be making at least ten times as much money as I am today.  Seriously.  I would definitely only have my family to hang out with.  There aren't many twenty-three year olds roaming around the streets of Quincy.  

I'd be living a very lonely and pretty unfulfilling life.   I'd be searching for something with no idea where to begin.  I'd have no sense of being on the right path. 

Somewhere along the road I realized I was no longer sure of the path I had laid out for myself when I was sixteen.  Sure, I had changed my major a few times.  I had gone back and forth about how I would land myself in an OT program, but that had always been the plan.  

I like plans, but I also really like flexibility. Like, a lot of flexibility.  I think the truth is that I had felt trapped for a long time in my own plans and wasn't quite sure where I was being called to do.  

I'm no closer to discerning God's call, so I'm sorry if you thought that's where this was headed.  It's really not.

This post is more about how our plans fall through (thanks be to God), and how wonderfully messy, scary, and amazing all of it is.  

So, you know where my plans were taking me, but where are God's plans leading me? 

I guess it's a good question, and I don't know that there's an answer known to any one person yet. Not even my mom and she has some crazy instincts where I'm concerned. 

Here's what I've gathered so far:

God really doesn't want me to be comfortable.  In fact He wants me to be almost completely uncomfortable.  

I've spent the past three days on the San Antonio bus system.  A wonderful lady that I work with brought me home yesterday, so that deducts an hour travel time from the week.  With that one hour off, I've spent a total of five and a half hours at bus stops, on buses, or walking because the bus didn't show up in a timely manner.  

It frustrates me to no end.  I've decided though that God is using this time to help me catch up on my people watching and some really solid time spent within my own mind.  Living in a house with six other people I don't think I've had very much alone time in the past week and a half.  It hasn't been bad, in fact I hadn't even realized it until I wrote this.  I think it may be because my roommate and I have very little problem with sitting in the same room, doing totally different things, and not talking.  I've gotten away from my point. . .

The bus has been horrible and frustrating, but, my God, it has been a beautiful lesson. 

There are some that I see every day on the bus.  They take their children to school, alone, and are having to keep up with (in the one case that stands out) her three daughters and her infant son.  I'm amazed at how well behaved all of them are.  They help their mother out in amazing ways.  The older two keep up with the younger two and their mother handles most of their stuff.  

I ride the bus with another man in the morning and at night.  He appears to be really quiet, but there's something in his eyes that fascinates me.  I want to talk to him, but I feel as though he may not speak English and I'm realizing just how bad I am at Spanish. 

The most important lesson I think I've learned so far has to be in thankfulness.  

I take so little time to appreciate what I have.  I've never woken up and feared for my life or the life of someone I loved because of violence outside.  I've never lost my parents and walked to a bordering country in hopes of finding other relatives or some sort of help.  I've never had to care for younger siblings after my parents have disappeared or been killed.  I've never looked at Jared and Eliza and feared for their lives at the hands of a cartel hoping to use them to smuggle drugs.  

I've never had to wait two decades to reach a land where I have more than a tent to live in.  I've never had to leave my family behind to go somewhere safer.  I've never gone to a strange country and had to rely on the help of strangers and unknown organizations, putting my whole life and well-being in to someone else's hands.  

I am incredibly blessed.  I've always known this.  I've always known that there are people in the world with next to nothing.  People dealing with violence, pain, hunger, and so many other horrible things. 

I've always known I couldn't sit back knowing this was happening and be okay with it.  I've had a pit in my stomach.  An uncomfortable feeling because I was so comfortable.  A feeling of being drawn to be God's hands and feet.  

God has pulled me here.  I'm in this uncomfortable place.  I'm surrounded by people I don't know.  I am working 8-5 in an office.  

But I'm happy.  I'm surrounded by people that, even though they're strangers, I feel that we have the same heart.  The same uncomfortable feeling.  Uncontrollable and often painful empathy. 

We're following God's call and it's led us here.  

I think many of us had wonderful plans.  I feel certain that few of us planned to be where we're at right now.  I can feel God's presence.  At home, at work, at the church we attend, everywhere in this community.  I look around and, even though I'm uncomfortable, I know I'm where I'm meant to be at this moment.  I don't know that I've ever felt this way about where I'm at or what I'm doing.  

God's plan is pulling me on a beautiful journey.  I'm scared and excited, but I can feel it becoming more clear in my heart.  

I just hope my mind can catch up.  

I want to share this amazing version of the Prayer of St. Francis by Trinity Vineyard.  

My roommate, Abby Evans, did a cover of it at the YAV talent show and the song, the prayer, and the band have been on my mind since then.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTrBRTDlwvo