Anger is all I know how to express at this moment.

I've been mad at God before.  I've been very mad at God before, but this is one of the two times that I can remember wanting to physically hurt God.  If He were standing right in front of me I'd give him one good punch.

I'm getting really pissed about the fact that God keeps taking the young, the strong, the faithful, and the good.

Today, one of the strongest people I've ever known was called home.

I don't understand God's timing.  I don't understand this senseless pain, and I certainly don't understand why it's always, always, always the people that give the most light to this horrible world that get taken so soon.

I know that one day, just as I did when Josh passed, I'll find the beauty in this situation.  Right now, however, the anger is consuming me and I'm going to let it.  Not even God should be able to get away with something so cruel and not face consequences.

"God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them." Romans 8:26

I apologize for not posting in over a month.  I realized that I had typed out a draft, but never posted it.  As I read over the draft it felt wrong to post now.  I feel as though blogs should have something to say about the present.  Those feelings and words don't accurately reflect how I feel about my journey right now.

How do I feel about my journey right now?

That's a really good question.  And I think I have a really crummy answer: I don't know.

I feel like God is leading me through a maze that's confusing and slightly painful.  The problem with being in this maze is that I am trying to rely on my own senses and ignoring where God is trying to take me.  I'm really bad about that, as I'm sure most of us are.  We know best, right?

Well, that's my mindset.  With this mindset I've come across plenty of frustration and found myself deeper and deeper inside the maze.  I can't get out.  I'm completely stuck.

Ignoring God and relying on myself, my emotions, and my logic has left me in disaster before.  We are stubborn creatures.  I know I am.  If I have my mind set on something I'll do anything in order to get it.

Why, if we've learned time after time that our own strengths will ultimately fail us, do we not rely on God?

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

I remember this sometimes and laugh to myself.  I laugh because I have my own plans.  I have grand plans of what I want for myself.  Looking back, I've had plans like this my entire life.  Plans for my future that have, thankfully, fallen through.  I've been happier without these things than I ever could have been with them.  I try to imagine my life if my plans had worked and I'm miserable.  I'm missing something. 

Why is it that I still try and make my own plans? 

I have no answer to that question, nor do I expect any of you to have an answer.  

I do have a question to pose.  Something to think about and reflect on.

First, I'll tell you how it came about.  

The other day I got upset at work and began to cry.  My friend, Ibrahim, was worried that it was something he had said or done. When I composed myself enough to explain to him what had happened he told me something along these lines, "it's okay.  You have a heart from God, and that means that it's weak and easily hurt.  God wants us to be hurt by the things that hurt him, so He gives us hearts that are easily broken." 

This made me think.  Why would God want us to be weak? Why is this a good thing? And, as Christians, can we believe in a God that would intentionally make us feel pain in a stronger way? 

I believe that God gave me a vulnerable heart, but I also really reject that idea.  Why would God make me in a way that sets me up for so much pain? Why would God make any of us in a way that would set us up for this kind of pain? 

This is open for discussion, because I really am interested in all of the ideas that can be brought to the table.

I appreciate your continued support and time.  

xoxo

When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors. Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. Everybody here was someone else before.

One of the most common things that YAVs experience during their year is a crippling feeling of loneliness.  We're surrounded by people going through the exact same thing at our sites and all over the world, but we feel so alone.  Like there isn't anyone else going through the exact same thing.

I've found, through actually taking the time to reach out to other YAVs, that my loneliness, my homesickness, and the confusion I'm feeling are not new.  I'm not going through them alone at all.

The YAV program does a fantastic job of getting us connected to others in the program before we even meet the people that we'll be living with during the year.  This has proven to be one of the most amazing gifts that I've gotten from this program.

When I'm having a bad day and I feel like I can't talk to my roommates for whatever reason, I have such an amazing group of people that I can reach out to.  There have been several times in the past few weeks when I've felt so lost and like I'm doing everything so wrong, and all I have to do is pick up the phone and simply reach out to a few of the friends I made and I realize that I'm not the only one that's lost.  I'm not the only one that feels like they're doing something wrong.  I'm surrounded by other young adults that tell me I'm normal.  I'm not failing miserably.  I'm one of many.

The YAV program has given me such a strong network of people that I can turn to, and I haven't even told you about my roommates!

My roommates are the most supportive, loving people I've found since I joined my sorority, but even Alpha Xi Delta can't compare.

Before I am accused of blasphemy, let me explain.  When I went through recruitment I was looking for like-minded women.  I wanted people that were like me, or at least people that were like who I wanted to be.  I found that.  I found a group of amazing women that helped me grow up.  They helped me through heartbreaks.  They helped me find myself (at least all of myself that I have at this moment).  Those were an amazing four years.

Sorry for getting sidetracked. Today is Alpha Xi Delta's initiation and it's made me really think about relationships, which is partly where this blog came from.

My roommates and I were put in to a situation with people from all over the country, with vastly different backgrounds, and, often, conflicting opinions about how day to day things should go.

They are not people that would normally walk up to me and strike up friendship (I'm basing this off of the social psychology class I took last spring).  We have little in common most of the time, but that's the beauty.  I'm learning more and more to see things from the perspective of others.  I'm learning to take advice from an almost completely logical stand point (lookin' at you, Caroline).  I'm learning so much more about myself than I thought possible because of the people that I live with.

I never thought I'd form significant relationships with anyone here.  I know, I'm super positive.  I never thought I'd be able to turn to and lean on these people, but I really have.  Going through these difficult weeks (largely self inflicted), would have been impossible had it not been for the love and support of my roommates.

I haven't felt love like this from (practically) strangers in a long time.  These aren't strangers anymore.  I have found a family in San Antonio.  I belong here.  I belong with these people.


I don't know how I could ever than the YAV program for the gift of all of these other young adults.  I don't know how to thank my church for making this possible. I don't know how to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers. And I definitely don't know how to thank the people that have made me belong in this strange city.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I have no living grandparents.  This is something that's never really bothered me.  I didn't know my Dad's parents very well when they were living, because we lived away and the sad reality is that people drift apart.  My mom's parents had both died before I was born.  Living far away from my family meant that I found family in other places. 

I grew up in a small, Methodist church outside of Atlanta. I remember, in high school, my youth minister asked me to get up and say something about what the church meant to me, and I can remember one thing that I said.  I stood in front of people that I had mostly known my entire life and was able to tell them that I had been raised with more than just two sets of grandparents.  I was one of the lucky ones that had at least five sets of people that I loved and turned to as if they were my own.

One of the men that I considered my own passed away today.  Looking back on my childhood and thinking about my church, very few of those memories don't involve him. He, and the few others, were the people that showed me how much love can be found in the church.  I looked to these people and found the ways in which God calls us to treat others, how God wants us to spend our time, and how Christ's love is found within the people closest to us. They let us into their families and made me feel as though I belonged to something so much bigger than what my genetics gave me. 

In Doug's case, I have learned how a strength and faith in God can get you through the toughest and darkest times.  He has faced trials with a grace that is unrivaled.  

The world lost an amazing, funny, and loving man today. I know that tomorrow the sun is going to shine a little brighter with him looking down on the earth he left behind.  

My thoughts and prayers are with the Strickland family.  

I have wanted to write this entry for nearly two weeks.  I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, but there has been nothing else that I've wanted to write.  This has been all that came to mind.


One day a group of men came in to Catholic Charities about ten minutes before it was time for us to close up shop and leave.  I was kind of annoyed because it was almost time for me to go and the day had gone by at a snail's pace.  The men were clients of mine and I asked them how I could help them and did my best to answer their questions while our entire office shut down.  They thanked me for my help and left.  I walked out behind them and made my way to the bus stop.

I was alone for the first time all day and was finally able to unwind a little bit before I had to go to my house and be in a group setting once again.  The introverted side of me loves every second of my afternoon bus ride because I am under no obligation to speak to anyone.

My worst fear was realized right as I looked up.  The four clients that I had just been talking to in the office were making their way to the bus stop.  MY bus stop.  My quiet time was about to be ruined.  Dread was building up inside of me.  They were going to ask me questions.  Questions that I didn't know the answer to.  Ask me to try and help them in ways that I couldn't within my job description.  I did what any socially awkward person would do: put my headphones in.  I know I shouldn't have.  It's a sign of disrespect to the people around you.  What kind of high horse was I on anyways? These were men that had served our country when they were under no obligation to do so.  They were men that had risked their lives and well-being to work against the Taliban in anyway possible.

I jumped ahead of myself. Let me get back to the point. . .

I had my headphones in and was doing my best to not make eye contact when one of them tapped me on the shoulder.

"Victoria, are you a volunteer like Marie was?"

Marie, my predecessor, is still very much held in the hearts of all my clients.  I hear a lot about her.  So much about her that I added her on Facebook because I felt like I had known her for years.  She was an amazing volunteer and went above and beyond for everyone she worked with and I'm just trying to make it through the day without offending someone and fill out food stamp applications without screwing things up.

Again, I've gotten off topic, but, Marie, if you're reading this just know that you are missed and you are AWESOME.  Your year in Texas absolutely made an impact on so many people.

Back to the story. . .

I told him that I was a volunteer, but Marie and I came from different programs, but the goal of the program seems, to me, very similar.

Guys, this is where the story actually starts to see a purpose. . .

He looked at me and said, "So why are you doing this? Is it so you'll get something good or do you feel like you have to? Why are you here?"

Wow, why am I here? Good question, (name removed for confidentiality purposes and because I don't have a cool nickname for him).  I looked at him, in that moment where I was taken so off guard and said that there was a bible verse (Matthew 25:40) that I felt like I was called to live out.  I could tell he thought that this answer meant, to him, that I was obviously working towards some greater goal in my own life.  Which, I guess, is true.

You would think that this story is about me and how I was finally asked questions about what I was doing, but it's not at all.  I had been asked a few times why I was doing this work, but I had yet to sit and talk to other people about what brought them here.  I hadn't felt like I could.  I had asked the three guys that I work closely with about their lives, but until this moment it hadn't realized that people had any interest in sharing their stories with me.

So I took the leap.

"What made you come to the US?"

(Name Removed): We worked for the US military in Afghanistan.

"But why would you want to leave your home?" I have asked this question plenty of times since then, and have never gotten an answer that would make me want to move thousands of miles away from my family.

Most of the time they say that the opportunity was there, they liked what the States had to offer and were hoping to continue their education here and make their lives all over again.

"What did you guys study in school?" At this point it was only my two clients that had any interest in talking to me.  The other two men weren't concerned and, quite frankly, have much more reserved personalities than the other men.

(Name removed): I didn't finish university, but I hope to start on an IT degree when I'm allowed to go to school here.

Jack (you'll see why I call him this shortly): I studied politics in Afghanistan, and I want to study that here as well.

The bus came, and I was asking him some silly questions about politics.  Probably the stupidest question was, "Oh, do you like American politics?" Uh, duh he does, Tori.

Jack ended up sitting next to me and I got to hear him talk more about himself.  I don't think I'm going to do his story justice by any means, but I'll attempt to make it as amazing as it was.

Jack was born in Afghanistan in the eighties.  When he was six months old Russia invaded the nation, and his parents were both shot and killed, leaving him and his two brothers orphaned.  Luckily, his grandparents were able to take him and his brothers in and they raised them.

I've heard a lot of people talk about people that they admire, but the look in Jack's eyes when he talked about his grandmother was one of complete adoration.  He looked as if he had been raised by a saint which, I'm sure, is how he looks at this woman that devoted her life to raising there more children after hers were grown and had been murdered.

I asked him about his politics classes and how they were explained in his middle eastern society and he told me that the world was split up into two major sections.  The section that was under the influence of the United States and the section that was under the influence of Russia.  Which sounded a lot like the Americanism vs. Communism class that both of my parents took in place of Civics in high school.

I keep getting off track slightly. . .

The most amazing thing about this man was the time he had spent working for the military.

Jack first went to the American army looking for work when he was sixteen.  A man looked at him and said, "Son, you're going to have to change your birthday if you want to work for us.  You have to be at least eighteen."  So he did just that.  He made himself two years older, which was fairly easy for him.  He's at least 6'3'' and looks like he's been growing a beard since he was five years old.


With documents changed he began work for the US government that lasted nearly a decade, and, to this day, his papers make him two years older than he is.

During his time working for our military he earned the nickname "Jack" because they told him that he was, in many ways, like Jack Bauer from 24.  He earned the reputation because of his bravery and his willingness to put himself in incredibly dangerous situations if it meant that he would be able to help someone else.

Jack was blown up.  Literally.  He was in the hospital for a year and in a coma for 100 days.  Today, he lives with shrapnel in his legs that can't be taken out because if it's removed he could lose the ability to walk and feel where it was.  He lives without feeling in his feet.  Insides that were pretty much torn to shreds and a soft spot on his head where he's missing part of his skull.

All because he was attempting to save the life of a friend.  Because he volunteered for a mission that he wasn't even supposed to go on.

I asked him how his grandmother handled him being in so much danger and hurt for so long.  "I never told her.  She died not knowing that I almost died, because she wouldn't have been able to handle it."

Jack's story is an extraordinary one.  He could honestly write a book that's turned in to a hit action movie one day, but it proves a point that I don't think that I could have made on my own.  Many men that I have the privilege of working with are here because it's not safe for them in their home countries anymore.  It's not safe because they made a choice to join our army.

When you question the type of people that I work for, if you think that they're not worthy of coming to our nation and getting all of the rights and privileges that being an American entails, ask yourself if you'd be willing to make the sacrifices that many of them have made, because, unless you were in our military, the answer is most likely no.

It’s in the loving we find love. It’s in the giving we receive. It’s in the dying we are found.

Make of me, Your hands and feet.  I want to be, to the people around me what You want to be, to the people around me.

If you had asked me a year ago where I would be today I would probably tell you that I was hoping to land a job teaching Social Studies at my cousin's school until I was able to take the classes I needed to get into an Occupational Therapy program.

That would mean several things.  I'd probably be living at home with my parents or in someone's garage apartment not too far from my parent's house.  I'd be making at least ten times as much money as I am today.  Seriously.  I would definitely only have my family to hang out with.  There aren't many twenty-three year olds roaming around the streets of Quincy.  

I'd be living a very lonely and pretty unfulfilling life.   I'd be searching for something with no idea where to begin.  I'd have no sense of being on the right path. 

Somewhere along the road I realized I was no longer sure of the path I had laid out for myself when I was sixteen.  Sure, I had changed my major a few times.  I had gone back and forth about how I would land myself in an OT program, but that had always been the plan.  

I like plans, but I also really like flexibility. Like, a lot of flexibility.  I think the truth is that I had felt trapped for a long time in my own plans and wasn't quite sure where I was being called to do.  

I'm no closer to discerning God's call, so I'm sorry if you thought that's where this was headed.  It's really not.

This post is more about how our plans fall through (thanks be to God), and how wonderfully messy, scary, and amazing all of it is.  

So, you know where my plans were taking me, but where are God's plans leading me? 

I guess it's a good question, and I don't know that there's an answer known to any one person yet. Not even my mom and she has some crazy instincts where I'm concerned. 

Here's what I've gathered so far:

God really doesn't want me to be comfortable.  In fact He wants me to be almost completely uncomfortable.  

I've spent the past three days on the San Antonio bus system.  A wonderful lady that I work with brought me home yesterday, so that deducts an hour travel time from the week.  With that one hour off, I've spent a total of five and a half hours at bus stops, on buses, or walking because the bus didn't show up in a timely manner.  

It frustrates me to no end.  I've decided though that God is using this time to help me catch up on my people watching and some really solid time spent within my own mind.  Living in a house with six other people I don't think I've had very much alone time in the past week and a half.  It hasn't been bad, in fact I hadn't even realized it until I wrote this.  I think it may be because my roommate and I have very little problem with sitting in the same room, doing totally different things, and not talking.  I've gotten away from my point. . .

The bus has been horrible and frustrating, but, my God, it has been a beautiful lesson. 

There are some that I see every day on the bus.  They take their children to school, alone, and are having to keep up with (in the one case that stands out) her three daughters and her infant son.  I'm amazed at how well behaved all of them are.  They help their mother out in amazing ways.  The older two keep up with the younger two and their mother handles most of their stuff.  

I ride the bus with another man in the morning and at night.  He appears to be really quiet, but there's something in his eyes that fascinates me.  I want to talk to him, but I feel as though he may not speak English and I'm realizing just how bad I am at Spanish. 

The most important lesson I think I've learned so far has to be in thankfulness.  

I take so little time to appreciate what I have.  I've never woken up and feared for my life or the life of someone I loved because of violence outside.  I've never lost my parents and walked to a bordering country in hopes of finding other relatives or some sort of help.  I've never had to care for younger siblings after my parents have disappeared or been killed.  I've never looked at Jared and Eliza and feared for their lives at the hands of a cartel hoping to use them to smuggle drugs.  

I've never had to wait two decades to reach a land where I have more than a tent to live in.  I've never had to leave my family behind to go somewhere safer.  I've never gone to a strange country and had to rely on the help of strangers and unknown organizations, putting my whole life and well-being in to someone else's hands.  

I am incredibly blessed.  I've always known this.  I've always known that there are people in the world with next to nothing.  People dealing with violence, pain, hunger, and so many other horrible things. 

I've always known I couldn't sit back knowing this was happening and be okay with it.  I've had a pit in my stomach.  An uncomfortable feeling because I was so comfortable.  A feeling of being drawn to be God's hands and feet.  

God has pulled me here.  I'm in this uncomfortable place.  I'm surrounded by people I don't know.  I am working 8-5 in an office.  

But I'm happy.  I'm surrounded by people that, even though they're strangers, I feel that we have the same heart.  The same uncomfortable feeling.  Uncontrollable and often painful empathy. 

We're following God's call and it's led us here.  

I think many of us had wonderful plans.  I feel certain that few of us planned to be where we're at right now.  I can feel God's presence.  At home, at work, at the church we attend, everywhere in this community.  I look around and, even though I'm uncomfortable, I know I'm where I'm meant to be at this moment.  I don't know that I've ever felt this way about where I'm at or what I'm doing.  

God's plan is pulling me on a beautiful journey.  I'm scared and excited, but I can feel it becoming more clear in my heart.  

I just hope my mind can catch up.  

I want to share this amazing version of the Prayer of St. Francis by Trinity Vineyard.  

My roommate, Abby Evans, did a cover of it at the YAV talent show and the song, the prayer, and the band have been on my mind since then.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTrBRTDlwvo

We want more than this world's got to offer. We want more than the wars of our fathers.

Well, y'all are in for a treat.  Two blogs in one week? Wow! You're lucky.


On Tuesday I got to meet with my boss.  It was pretty exciting and helped to ease my nerves.  I'm sure it's really surprising that, right out of college, I have never worked an 8-5 in an office.  WOAH. Mind blown.

A quick note about my work:

I am working with refugees that have been granted asylum in the United States.  I'll be working to help them apply for state benefits, apply for jobs,  etc.  I'm incredibly blessed to be working with people from all over this beautiful, imperfect, and often times painful world.  I'm excited to hear their stories, to learn from them, and to show them that, even though the were torn from their homes, they can find a home here and it can be beautiful. *

My workplace is full of people from many countries,  different faiths, and they speak various languages.  Not a one of them is the same and they all work in this building with a common goal of helping others.  It's a beautiful way to express all of our faiths and work for our Divine Creator (I say divine creator because it can mean many things and take on many forms.  It would be unfair to say God and leave any faith out of this).

I'm so excited to start work on Tuesday!

Now, about my community.  This is what prompted me writing this entry.

Today I caught a glimpse at why God placed me in San Antonio.  I am surrounded by roommates that are all SO different from me.  I'm probably the most conservative in the room.  Is anyone else shocked? I am.  It's uncomfortable.  It's different.  It's a little painful.  I think that this is all part of the growth that is to take place inside of me this year.  I'm going to be pushed and pulled and tested.  I'm going to spend a lot of my time talking to God because I'll get discouraged or asking for things like strength, clarity, or serenity.

I'm mentioning the above because I don't want to seem like I'm in some sort of daze, unable to realize that we're going to have issues with one another.  We will.  Lots of issues.  Lots of fights.  Lots of pain.

We're also going to have tremendous amounts of love.  Understanding on deeper levels.  Strength in our community.  I very much believe that after our community discussions today we will be standing seven strong and together at the end of these twelve months.

There is so much beauty and light in this household.  So many people willing and ready to help shoulder any burdens.  So much trust formed between people that have known each other for such a short period of time.

God knew what He was doing.  I don't know why I'm always so surprised by this, but I am.  I am blessed beyond any measure to have been able to find a community that is just as loving as the one I left in Florida.  It's hard for me to be separated by my family, but I'm so glad that I'm finding a new family in San Antonio.



*Issues with undocumented immigrants do not directly pertain to my work, so it would be appreciated if negativity over these issues stayed off of my blog and Facebook.